Have you ever gone into a meeting, a conversation with your partner, or even a job interview, full of hope—only to walk out thinking, “Well, that went exactly how I thought it would…”?
Here’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately:
Am I focused on what I want to happen—or what I expect will happen?
And more importantly:
Do my thoughts support my wants… or are they reinforcing my fears and expectations?
Say What?
Let’s take a common example—a challenging conversation with a partner. What I want is connection, support, and maybe alignment. I want to feel seen, heard, and valued.
But if I listen closely to the voice in my head beforehand, it often sounds more like this:
“Just stay calm. Don’t react when he gets defensive. Remember, he never really hears you anyway.”
On the surface, it sounds like self-coaching. But when I look closer, it’s not actually preparing me for what I want—it’s reinforcing what I expect: resistance, criticism, a negative outcome.
My mind is priming me to look for those old patterns… and surprise! I usually find them.
So What?
This inner commentary—our mind chatter, ego, survival voice—is sneaky. It claims to protect us by bracing for the worst, but in reality, it can create the very situation we’re trying to avoid.
Why? Because our thoughts influence our Reticular Activating System (RAS)—a bundle of nerves in our brainstem that filters what we notice. The RAS scans our environment for confirmation of what we’re already thinking. If I go into a conversation expecting to be dismissed, my RAS will filter for signs of that: a sigh, a furrowed brow, a pause—and I’ll interpret them as rejection, even if they’re not.
My nervous system then goes into high alert. I enter the conversation already at a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 in tension. Which means I have less capacity to be present, curious, or open. I become more reactive, after all I am not starting at zero so reaction is just a few points away!! I am more guarded. More convinced that I was right to expect the worst.
And guess what? My partner feels that energy—and often meets me with the same.
He delivers what I expect, not what I want.
Then What?
This realization was a turning point for me:
If my thoughts are votes toward what I want—what am I actually voting for?
So I started observing the voice in my head. I imagined it as a separate person. Would I want this person to be my mentor? My coach? The speaker at my funeral? Often, the answer was a hard no.
My inner voice didn’t offer my compassion, support or encouragement. It often reinforces that I made a mistake, or he will never change. My inner voice doesn’t speak to me like a friend.
And here’s the good news:
The voice is just a voice. It’s not me.
I can observe it. I can interrupt it. I can even thank it… and then choose a better thought.
Here’s how I started shifting:
- I noticed my body first – the sensations I was having —tight jaw, tense shoulders, tapping foot.
- When these body sensations occurred, I noticed my thoughts. I interrupted the thought pattern: a deep breath, a pause, a question.
- Then, I intentionally chose a new thought—one that aligned with what I wanted.
I kept a short list of “replacement thoughts” handy—like a mental playlist for when I felt myself spiraling. Thoughts of when I was resilient or created joy in my life or was in a peaceful state (possibly sitting on a beach somewhere). Or my backup plan was to replace it with a positive focused song.
Now What?
Here’s the practice I’ve adopted (and recommend to anyone):
Before a challenging conversation…
1. Identify What You Want.
- Connection? Collaboration? Resolution? Support?
- Be clear with yourself.
2. Write Down Thoughts That Support That Want.
Example:
- I am safe and loved regardless of the outcome.
- I can be vulnerable and stay stable.
- My feelings matter and can be shared.
3. Read These Aloud to Yourself.
- Say them slowly. Let them land in your body.
- Get your RAS looking for these thoughts!
4. Take Them with You.
- Write them down. Glance at them before or during the conversation if you need to.
5. When a Negative Thought Arises…
- Pause. Acknowledge it.
- Say: “Thanks for the input—but here’s what I choose instead…”
- Then repeat your supportive thought.
6. Celebrate the Shift.
- Did you stay present longer? Choose a different response?
- That’s a win. That’s a vote toward the life you want.
Final Thoughts
We don’t get what we want—we get what we expect.
So what if we started expecting more of what we actually desire?
Want peace? Expect peace.
Want connection? Expect connection.
Want to feel heard? Expect that your voice matters.
Every thought is a choice. Every thought is a vote.
So choose your thoughts wisely—and make sure they’re casting votes for the life you actually want to live.
You’re the thinker of your thoughts. You can choose.