Did your employee let you down again? Are they creating repeated challenges for your team? When this happens, how do you respond?
In moments like these, I love asking myself a clarifying question:
- Am I frustrated with them—or with the job they’re trying to perform?
- Is my tension rooted in who they are… or in what’s expected of them?
Say What?
When we think about a challenging work relationship, it’s easy—almost automatic—to personalize the frustration.
- “They just don’t care.”
- “He’s so disorganized.”
- “She moves too slow.”
- “They always make things harder.”
But pause for a moment and ask yourself:
Is this really about the person, or about the performance in a specific role?
What if the issue isn’t about who they are, but rather the fit, clarity, or complexity of the job they’re trying to do?
So What?
Here’s a helpful reframe:
How many people do you honestly believe are actively trying to fail at work? They get up in the morning and think, I am going to go to work today and do this task wrong just because I can?
My guess? Very few. Most people want to succeed. Most people want to do a good job. They just don’t always have all the information or understand the process. Or they’re stuck, overwhelmed, underprepared, or misaligned.
When we confuse a role performance issue with what we label as a personal flaw, we risk damaging trust, creating defensiveness, and missing the opportunity for real progress. But when we can separate the role from the individual, something powerful happens: our perspective—and our leadership—shifts.
Then What?
Try shifting the lens from evaluation to curiosity and collaboration. Instead of approaching your team member with the mindset of “what’s wrong with you,” try exploring:
What’s not working about this role, process, or expectation?
Instead of assumptions, ask questions:
- What do you think you’re doing well?
- What feels unclear or frustrating in your current role?
- What would you like to improve upon?
- What should we stop doing, start doing, do more of, or do less of?
You may be surprised by their answers. In my experience, most employees know where they’re struggling—they just don’t know how to talk about it, or how to fix it.
And most importantly: they want to be part of the solution.
This isn’t about a performance improvement plan. This is about possibility thinking. It’s about leading through conversation, not correction. It’s about building solutions with someone—not for them.
Now What?
If you’re navigating a tough dynamic with a team member right now, try this experiment:
Separate the Role from the Person.
Write down your frustration. Then ask: Is this a people issue—or a performance expectation issue? Be honest.
Get Curious Instead of Judgmental.
Replace “Why can’t they get it right?” with “What might be getting in the way?”
Have the Conversation.
Schedule a 1:1 and approach it with open-ended, non-threatening questions. Use language like:
- “Let’s talk about what’s going well and what you would like to be better.”
- “What support do you need?”
- “How can we work on this together?”
Listen More Than You Talk.
Create a safe space for honesty. You’re not there to rescue or reprimand—you’re there to partner.
Leadership isn’t about managing people into submission or compliance. It’s about understanding the difference between a performance gap and the person performing the task —and knowing which one you’re really reacting to.
When you focus on the role instead of the individual, you invite insight, ownership, and shared problem-solving. You empower growth. And you remind people they are more than the tasks they perform. You become a leader versus a manager.
Next time you’re feeling let down, pause and ask:
- Is this about them—or the job they’re trying to do?
- The answer might change everything.