Have you ever held onto anger, replaying a hurtful moment over and over again, convinced that forgiveness would mean letting them off the hook? I’ve been there. Forgiveness can feel like swallowing a rock—uncomfortable, heavy, and impossible to digest. Why does forgiving someone often seem so hard? What good can come of it? Why put forth the effort? Am I letting myself down, not honoring my own worth or my boundaries if I forgive them? By forgiving, I sense I am giving up something—giving up being right or my worth. And by forgiving, am I saying that it is all right the way they treated me?
What if I looked at it through the lens of what I am gaining instead of what I am giving up?
Say What?
By holding onto resentment over a situation, especially focusing that on an individual, I am using my energy on this past issue and perpetuating a long-ago generated emotion. I am allocating my life force to this past event instead of my current day and future. I am spending time and energy wishing for a better past. And I can’t change the past.
Has withholding forgiveness really produced a meaningful change in someone else’s behavior? Or has it just created a change in mine—redirecting my energy toward resentment, anger, or righteousness?
Has the other person reformed because I withheld forgiveness? Am I impacting their freedom at all, or just my own emotional freedom? Am I operating in a defensive mode, blocking out other joys, in an attempt to make sure this doesn’t happen again? What do I truly want from keeping the pain or emotion of this story alive?
So What?
What is forgiveness?
Is it saying that it’s all right that you hurt me? Or is it saying, I see that you are operating from a broken place and what you did comes from that place?
If I don’t feel comfortable forgiving the adult who should have known better, can I imagine that individual as a child, one who was hurt and confused, and that is where they are coming from? If I am honest with myself, I have acted from my “non-adult” self before. I have been triggered and my nervous system has reacted based on past trauma instead of me choosing my response.
Can I simply forgive the universe for creating so many circumstances and challenges in life that allow people to hurt others?
Or… is it me I need to forgive? Am I holding onto resentment toward someone else because I don’t want to admit that I need to forgive myself for my choices, my actions, or even for allowing the situation to affect me for this long?
If I could see others through the lens of our shared humanity, recognizing that we all have past wounds, self-doubt, and lack of self-trust, what might forgiveness create?
Then What?
How do I embrace forgiveness as a tool for me to move forward?
Can I shift my perspective? What if forgiveness is not about condoning or excusing bad behavior? What if forgiveness is about freeing myself from carrying the weight of past pain?
Reframe: Forgiveness is choosing my peace over my pain.
Can I acknowledge my hurt? My feelings? Step away from anger and dig deeper? What happened and how did it affect me? Am I willing to feel the pain fully one last time in order to release it?
Reframe: Forgiveness is acknowledging my own feelings around the situation, feeling them and releasing them.
Can I separate the person from the action? The person who hurt me is more than just the act that caused harm. Can I recognize that they, too, have pain, patterns, and blind spots – that people act from their own wounds?
Reframe: Forgiveness is recognizing we are all doing the best we can, in the moment.
Can I release the story I am telling myself around this issue? Do I need to keep telling the story to others or myself? By stopping the rhetoric, I am not erasing the past, but I am refusing to let it control my future.
Reframe: Forgiveness is choosing to let go of my resentment, and in doing so, I am letting go of its grip on me.
Now What?
I have been working with a couple of tools for improving my “forgiveness” muscles. All of these start with creating a list. I struggled with the idea of a ‘forgiveness list,’ so I reframed it as a ‘release list’—a place where I could write down the emotional weight I no longer wanted to carry. In other words, where am I feeling resentment in my life. Resentment that my partner didn’t acknowledge the extra work I put into creating a special dinner last night. Resentment that my client/boss didn’t support me in the team meeting yesterday.
Once a week, I started taking my release list and asking myself the following questions:
- Am I trying to avoid feelings of guilt or shame?
- Am I trying to feel like I am in control and this supports that perception?
- What am I getting out of continuing to keep this story alive?
From these questions, I narrow down what I need to forgive or let go of into a few short words, without the “story” around it such as:
- The meeting yesterday
- Dinner last week
To forgive/release resentment for others I use a visualization called “Cutting the Cord.”
- Close your eyes and visualize something that creating an open heart for you – a puppy, your child’s smile, a flowing river. a cord connecting you to the person or event that caused you pain.
- Imagine the person that you want to forgive is sitting in front of me.
- Staying focused on the wide open feeling, say their name. I say “John, I am forgive you and release the resentment I have been holding toward you for _______. I am doing this to set us both free.”
- Picture yourself holding a pair of scissors or a knife and cut any chords that are between the two of you.
- Watch them fade into the distance. Feel the weight lift from your chest. Breathe deeply, placing a hand over your heart.
- Finally, speak words of release: “I no longer allow this situation to hold power over me. I choose peace.”
I repeat this with each person on the list, until I feel as though I have released the emotion around this issue. And then I move on to myself……..
For forgiving myself I use a technique called “Mirror Work.”
- Set a timer for 5 minutes (I figure I can do anything for 5 minutes)! You can increase the time as you feel more comfortable with this exercise.
- Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and say:
- I forgive myself for holding onto the pain related to _________.
- I forgive myself for my past choices, knowing I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
- I release guilt, shame, and self-judgment. I am worthy of healing.
I repeat this until I feel the energetic release related to the issue. I then move on to the next item on my list. If I run out of items before the timer ends, I repeat my list.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is not weakness, nor is it forgetting. It is a conscious decision to stop carrying what is weighing me down. It is a commitment to my own healing, to choosing joy over pain, and to liberating myself from the past.
Imagine waking up and realizing that the burden you’ve been carrying for so long has lifted—that your energy, your heart, and your mind are free. That is what forgiveness creates. I release the past and reclaim my power. I am worthy of emotional freedom. I choose peace over resentment.
So, what do you choose? Will you carry this weight another day, or will you set yourself free? What is one small step you can take toward forgiveness right now? Let’s take that step together.